Friday, June 25, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Chapter Five - The Sweetest Honeymoon
After calling a couple friends of mine, and flushing a quarter pound of weed down the toilet, I was alone, but for the first time, at great peace. I knew God was sitting next to me for the first time in my life. I sat there on the floor of the efficiency I had on Avenue C, and read the book of Hebrews. I didn't understand much of it. But what I got from it, was that I am sinful, and will never measure up to what He wants from my life. Though I'm not sure I completely understood it at the time, that is when I accepted Christ. It took several years, and another huge fall in my life to have a better understanding of the bible, Christ, salvation, sin, heaven, hell, man, and I am still growing in that regard. But, on that day, June 21, 1997... I accepted Christ as the son of God, who died for my sins, so that I may live. I went to sleep.
The next couple of years, I grew up. I went back to school as a Jazz guitar major, started going to church, reconciled with my grandfather, went to Michigan to visit my mom (who is also a believer), and even began exercising. I'd run to Fouts field from my apartment, run up and down the bleachers and come home and read every morning. What a sweet time!!! I'd never been happier. When my friend Jameson first saw me after my conversion -- (he's the guy that would sit across from me and yell back and forth with me about Catholicism, faith, and the like), I didn't have to even tell him. He said to me, "You look different." I was... While he came back to school getting his master's in gym, we would meet up once a week in the coffee house and studied Revelation.
During this time, I also grew in my friendship with Shara... We basically had three initial meetings, the first of which I don't remember. She apparently came up to me after a 'ting' show at Jim's Diner and asked how to play a chord. My first memory of her was rehearsing the song 'friend' out side of the theater where we were playing a benefit show. And the third, we met driving down hickory, her in her white Oldsmobile (?) and me in my VW bug. She was with Steve Wilder, and they were on their way to go see 'Rob Roy'. I joined them. After that, I just remember us being friends. We clicked, and eventually started playing together. I got to play some shows in Denton with her, worked on her CD, and then she moved to Russia for a short time. When she and James (her husband) moved back, she asked if I wanted to move to New York City with them and start a band. Of course I said yes... Shara and I had the same vision when it came to music, yet came from such different backgrounds, that we were constantly introducing each other to new stuff.
Also during this time, Jameson began dating Shara's sister, Tamra. They would stand outside in the parking lot of Greg (my roommate and dear friend) and I's apartment after Dallas Cowboy watching parties for hours. They'd be out there from 6:30pm until nearly midnight! Just talking and laughing... They ended up marrying just before we moved to NYC.
These two years were the best in my life up until this point. I had never known such happiness. I never had laughed so much, laughing so hard that it hurt! I was at such peace. I was getting healthy. I was on top of the mountain and really didn't think life could ever get any better.
Who knew that I was about to start tumbling down and life was about to turn for the absolute worse??
The next couple of years, I grew up. I went back to school as a Jazz guitar major, started going to church, reconciled with my grandfather, went to Michigan to visit my mom (who is also a believer), and even began exercising. I'd run to Fouts field from my apartment, run up and down the bleachers and come home and read every morning. What a sweet time!!! I'd never been happier. When my friend Jameson first saw me after my conversion -- (he's the guy that would sit across from me and yell back and forth with me about Catholicism, faith, and the like), I didn't have to even tell him. He said to me, "You look different." I was... While he came back to school getting his master's in gym, we would meet up once a week in the coffee house and studied Revelation.
During this time, I also grew in my friendship with Shara... We basically had three initial meetings, the first of which I don't remember. She apparently came up to me after a 'ting' show at Jim's Diner and asked how to play a chord. My first memory of her was rehearsing the song 'friend' out side of the theater where we were playing a benefit show. And the third, we met driving down hickory, her in her white Oldsmobile (?) and me in my VW bug. She was with Steve Wilder, and they were on their way to go see 'Rob Roy'. I joined them. After that, I just remember us being friends. We clicked, and eventually started playing together. I got to play some shows in Denton with her, worked on her CD, and then she moved to Russia for a short time. When she and James (her husband) moved back, she asked if I wanted to move to New York City with them and start a band. Of course I said yes... Shara and I had the same vision when it came to music, yet came from such different backgrounds, that we were constantly introducing each other to new stuff.
Also during this time, Jameson began dating Shara's sister, Tamra. They would stand outside in the parking lot of Greg (my roommate and dear friend) and I's apartment after Dallas Cowboy watching parties for hours. They'd be out there from 6:30pm until nearly midnight! Just talking and laughing... They ended up marrying just before we moved to NYC.
These two years were the best in my life up until this point. I had never known such happiness. I never had laughed so much, laughing so hard that it hurt! I was at such peace. I was getting healthy. I was on top of the mountain and really didn't think life could ever get any better.
Who knew that I was about to start tumbling down and life was about to turn for the absolute worse??
Monday, June 21, 2004
Chapter Four - A New beginning...
June 21, 1997... Rockfest... in a sea of 400,000 people... with so many chemicals swimming around inside me... My friend Brien and I began walking around after a little more than an hour of being there...
During this walk, Brien decided he needed to go back and sit down. I continued to walk around and I began thinking about the past few years, especially the last year or so of my band, my first love, ting. During the last year of ting, my bandmates began to talk to me about what I believed about God. I grew up in a Catholic home, going to church every Sunday. In fact, my Dad had attended seminary to become a priest. I was well schooled in Catholic doctrine. So, when we talked about God, I wasn't afraid to, because I knew I had a relationship with God and even worked with that retreat program for youth for a few years. But my friends would attack my faith. In fact, we would sit across from each other at the kitchen table, literally yelling at one another. In retrospect, I completely understand what our differences were, but at the time, I didn't understand what their problem was. We both believed in God, so why were they attacking me? The difference between them and me was the fact that they believed the bible to be literal and I did not. What I mean is that they literally believed that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and was spit out 3 days later. That the world was actually created in 7 days, not millions of year as I knew to be true. I thought they were crazy. These are just stories to tell of a deeper meaning. Folklore.
So, during this walk at Rockfest, I thought about our conversations. Then I started looking around at all the people at this concert. I began consciously looking people in the eye as they walked by for the first time in my life. I had never done that before. To truly look people in the eye. Then it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning... I was sober! My mind was clear as day! I didn't feel high, or tripping from the shrooms. I figured this was just a lull and that I'd feel better in a minute. But, this never went away. My head was completely clear for the first time in years! (Later when I speak with others about this, they tell me that I partied myself straight. That I took in so much that my body thought I was sober.) But, honestly, I had never felt this clear and clean. I felt like a new person! As I continued to walk around, looking people in the eye, my heart became so sad. I looked at these people who were drunk and high, and everyone looked so terrible. They all looked so 'lost'. I thought to myself that if they had the relationship with God that I did, they wouldn't act like they do. Then the weight came down on me. I felt a deep pressure pressing down on me. I am them... I am lost... I am for those whom my heart breaks for... I do not know God any better than they do. Look at my life to this point- What have I done with the life that God gave me? I'm depressed. I'm always high or drunk. Most of the past few years I have felt insane because of my chemical additions. I have no idea who God is. I am lost. Then the words of one of my friends came back to me. On one of the days that we sat at the kitchen table, Joe told me that I was going to hell. How offensive! How dare he judge me! He has no idea who I am or my relationship with God! When he told me that, I told him to f- off! But now, his words are ringing through my head. I am going to hell.
I knew I needed to leave. I didn't belong to this crowd of people. I went back to Brien, who was a complete wreck. He couldn't stand up. This is how I knew I was sober. Physically, I felt great. I took just as many shrooms are he did. I smoked just as much weed as he did. I drank just as much as he did. He was a mess. I was fine. Within 2 hours, I was sober! I truly believe this to be a miracle. I stated before that I cannot explain it, and when I describe it, most don’t believe me. I can't really say more that that. I know what I know. I was made clean.
So, I went back to Brien, told him we had to leave. He had no idea what was going on. We went to the car, and I drove him home. After I dropped him off in Dallas, I had to drive back to Denton. I cried the entire way home. I was broken. I was lost. I prayed the entire way home that God save me and forgive me. I got back home, to my apartment on the corner of Avenue C and Oak (directly across the street from where I first tried pot over 6 years before.) I grabbed the one bible I had from a box full of crap, and opened it. Now, I read some of the bible before, but not like I did on this day. I opened to and read the book of Hebrews from beginning to end with new eyes. I believed every word of it. I knew I could not save myself. I needed God to save me. That is was I prayed for, that God would save and forgive me. He answered...
During this walk, Brien decided he needed to go back and sit down. I continued to walk around and I began thinking about the past few years, especially the last year or so of my band, my first love, ting. During the last year of ting, my bandmates began to talk to me about what I believed about God. I grew up in a Catholic home, going to church every Sunday. In fact, my Dad had attended seminary to become a priest. I was well schooled in Catholic doctrine. So, when we talked about God, I wasn't afraid to, because I knew I had a relationship with God and even worked with that retreat program for youth for a few years. But my friends would attack my faith. In fact, we would sit across from each other at the kitchen table, literally yelling at one another. In retrospect, I completely understand what our differences were, but at the time, I didn't understand what their problem was. We both believed in God, so why were they attacking me? The difference between them and me was the fact that they believed the bible to be literal and I did not. What I mean is that they literally believed that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and was spit out 3 days later. That the world was actually created in 7 days, not millions of year as I knew to be true. I thought they were crazy. These are just stories to tell of a deeper meaning. Folklore.
So, during this walk at Rockfest, I thought about our conversations. Then I started looking around at all the people at this concert. I began consciously looking people in the eye as they walked by for the first time in my life. I had never done that before. To truly look people in the eye. Then it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning... I was sober! My mind was clear as day! I didn't feel high, or tripping from the shrooms. I figured this was just a lull and that I'd feel better in a minute. But, this never went away. My head was completely clear for the first time in years! (Later when I speak with others about this, they tell me that I partied myself straight. That I took in so much that my body thought I was sober.) But, honestly, I had never felt this clear and clean. I felt like a new person! As I continued to walk around, looking people in the eye, my heart became so sad. I looked at these people who were drunk and high, and everyone looked so terrible. They all looked so 'lost'. I thought to myself that if they had the relationship with God that I did, they wouldn't act like they do. Then the weight came down on me. I felt a deep pressure pressing down on me. I am them... I am lost... I am for those whom my heart breaks for... I do not know God any better than they do. Look at my life to this point- What have I done with the life that God gave me? I'm depressed. I'm always high or drunk. Most of the past few years I have felt insane because of my chemical additions. I have no idea who God is. I am lost. Then the words of one of my friends came back to me. On one of the days that we sat at the kitchen table, Joe told me that I was going to hell. How offensive! How dare he judge me! He has no idea who I am or my relationship with God! When he told me that, I told him to f- off! But now, his words are ringing through my head. I am going to hell.
I knew I needed to leave. I didn't belong to this crowd of people. I went back to Brien, who was a complete wreck. He couldn't stand up. This is how I knew I was sober. Physically, I felt great. I took just as many shrooms are he did. I smoked just as much weed as he did. I drank just as much as he did. He was a mess. I was fine. Within 2 hours, I was sober! I truly believe this to be a miracle. I stated before that I cannot explain it, and when I describe it, most don’t believe me. I can't really say more that that. I know what I know. I was made clean.
So, I went back to Brien, told him we had to leave. He had no idea what was going on. We went to the car, and I drove him home. After I dropped him off in Dallas, I had to drive back to Denton. I cried the entire way home. I was broken. I was lost. I prayed the entire way home that God save me and forgive me. I got back home, to my apartment on the corner of Avenue C and Oak (directly across the street from where I first tried pot over 6 years before.) I grabbed the one bible I had from a box full of crap, and opened it. Now, I read some of the bible before, but not like I did on this day. I opened to and read the book of Hebrews from beginning to end with new eyes. I believed every word of it. I knew I could not save myself. I needed God to save me. That is was I prayed for, that God would save and forgive me. He answered...
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Chapter Three - The Dark Time...
So... depression. This is not fun in and of itself, but when you throw chemicals on top of that, it all gets magnified. I honestly do not know how to begin to talk about this chapter. So many things I don't remember. I guess I'll start with what I do remember, and work around that information. I apologize if this becomes chaotic and discombobulated, but such was my life at this time...
I’ll begin by expounding on an event from the last chapter which should have changed my life. During the ting years, I befriended a musician from Austin, David Garza. He had a pretty big following in Texas, and he thought our band had something good. He helped us out by getting us gigs all over the state, opening for him to introduce our music to his crowd. One of the first times we opened for him in Denton at Rick’s, I missed the gig. Two nights prior I had been arrested for failure to pay $1000 in tickets and driving an unregistered/uninsured vehicle. I called my Dad to come bail me out, he said OK. The next morning when they brought me breakfast, I asked when my Dad was coming to get me, and was answered with, “He said to leave you here.” Sad when I was given my daily phone call, I called him again, asked him why he was making me stay, he basically said it would be for my own good. Sadder I was arrested on a Monday night, and was released on Friday morning. No shower or toothbrush for a little over 72 hours. My friends tried to raise the $1000 to get me out, but didn’t have the resources. So, I missed the gig, and exposed a little of my darkness to my friends.
When the band died, part of me died. Drugs of choice were mushrooms and weed. I was so depressed and so alone
I had a girlfriend for a brief period of time, but she eventually wanted to have sex and I wouldn’t allow myself to do that. I am so thankful that I never did, because I believe that would have further fueled my depression to a possible point of suicide. So, I broke it off, being a complete jerk without giving her the reasons why (partly because I didn’t know how to verbalize them). Back to being alone, I continued to drink, get high, and socially withdraw. One time, my old bandmates gave me a surprise visit (I am sure they were shocked with what they found. I was a wreck of a human being. I still wrote songs and played guitar, living in a fantasy world that one day I’d be a rock star, but I continued to chisel my soul away
The breaking point came at a concert called Rockfest. June 20th - 22nd, 1997. This was a huge event at the Texas Motor Speedway. In case you don’t know, on the highway from Denton, TX to Ft. Worth, TX, they build a huge Nascar speedway which holds around 100,000 people in the stands or so (maybe more). For this concert, they opened the entire center of the track, and had this huge event. Too many bands to name Counting Crows, Jewel, Collective Soul my memory fades, but you get the point. A buddy of mine, Brien, and I had free tickets. In fact, this guy and I became really good friends in a short period of time. I think we were both pretty lost and drugs, drinking, pool, gambling, and video games were our escape. We had gotten free tickets to this event, so we figured we’d head out on Sat. morning, not knowing when we’d come back. We took weed and shrooms and a cooler full of beer, some sandwiches, etc. On the way there, traffic was unbelievable. Dead stopped for hours (Like LA). We continually smoked out the entire drive there, becoming increasingly paranoid with barely the ability to keep my eyes open (I was driving mind you). As we rounded a corner, we saw the cause of the backup. There was a police checkpoint just 2 miles from the entrance of the raceway. They had sniffing dogs and everything. I panicked. My car reeked of marijuana, and we had shrooms to be charged for felony possession. As we neared the checkpoint, we got lucky as they were preoccupied with a vehicle that they pulled over ahead of us. We rolled past, I remember waving to the cop, and then it was smooth sailing to the raceway. Once we parked, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, but now it was time for the shrooms... they hit me hard as we walked in, so I felt I needed to get in and sit down.
This concert was bigger than I could have imagined. There were over 400,000 people in attendance. I remember walking in. I remember feeding my Tamagotchi (the little Japanese toy-remember?) I remember having a beer. I remember Jewel playing, although, that was really messed up. The sounds coming in my head were not right. I remember a huge fight breaking out near us. I remember going for a walk that’s about all I know we were only there for a couple hours total. While we were walking around, that’s when it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning. I cannot explain it. I can describe it, but most don’t believe it anyway. The most important day in my life -- June 21, 1997.
I’ll begin by expounding on an event from the last chapter which should have changed my life. During the ting years, I befriended a musician from Austin, David Garza. He had a pretty big following in Texas, and he thought our band had something good. He helped us out by getting us gigs all over the state, opening for him to introduce our music to his crowd. One of the first times we opened for him in Denton at Rick’s, I missed the gig. Two nights prior I had been arrested for failure to pay $1000 in tickets and driving an unregistered/uninsured vehicle. I called my Dad to come bail me out, he said OK. The next morning when they brought me breakfast, I asked when my Dad was coming to get me, and was answered with, “He said to leave you here.” Sad when I was given my daily phone call, I called him again, asked him why he was making me stay, he basically said it would be for my own good. Sadder I was arrested on a Monday night, and was released on Friday morning. No shower or toothbrush for a little over 72 hours. My friends tried to raise the $1000 to get me out, but didn’t have the resources. So, I missed the gig, and exposed a little of my darkness to my friends.
When the band died, part of me died. Drugs of choice were mushrooms and weed. I was so depressed and so alone
I had a girlfriend for a brief period of time, but she eventually wanted to have sex and I wouldn’t allow myself to do that. I am so thankful that I never did, because I believe that would have further fueled my depression to a possible point of suicide. So, I broke it off, being a complete jerk without giving her the reasons why (partly because I didn’t know how to verbalize them). Back to being alone, I continued to drink, get high, and socially withdraw. One time, my old bandmates gave me a surprise visit (I am sure they were shocked with what they found. I was a wreck of a human being. I still wrote songs and played guitar, living in a fantasy world that one day I’d be a rock star, but I continued to chisel my soul away
The breaking point came at a concert called Rockfest. June 20th - 22nd, 1997. This was a huge event at the Texas Motor Speedway. In case you don’t know, on the highway from Denton, TX to Ft. Worth, TX, they build a huge Nascar speedway which holds around 100,000 people in the stands or so (maybe more). For this concert, they opened the entire center of the track, and had this huge event. Too many bands to name Counting Crows, Jewel, Collective Soul my memory fades, but you get the point. A buddy of mine, Brien, and I had free tickets. In fact, this guy and I became really good friends in a short period of time. I think we were both pretty lost and drugs, drinking, pool, gambling, and video games were our escape. We had gotten free tickets to this event, so we figured we’d head out on Sat. morning, not knowing when we’d come back. We took weed and shrooms and a cooler full of beer, some sandwiches, etc. On the way there, traffic was unbelievable. Dead stopped for hours (Like LA). We continually smoked out the entire drive there, becoming increasingly paranoid with barely the ability to keep my eyes open (I was driving mind you). As we rounded a corner, we saw the cause of the backup. There was a police checkpoint just 2 miles from the entrance of the raceway. They had sniffing dogs and everything. I panicked. My car reeked of marijuana, and we had shrooms to be charged for felony possession. As we neared the checkpoint, we got lucky as they were preoccupied with a vehicle that they pulled over ahead of us. We rolled past, I remember waving to the cop, and then it was smooth sailing to the raceway. Once we parked, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, but now it was time for the shrooms... they hit me hard as we walked in, so I felt I needed to get in and sit down.
This concert was bigger than I could have imagined. There were over 400,000 people in attendance. I remember walking in. I remember feeding my Tamagotchi (the little Japanese toy-remember?) I remember having a beer. I remember Jewel playing, although, that was really messed up. The sounds coming in my head were not right. I remember a huge fight breaking out near us. I remember going for a walk that’s about all I know we were only there for a couple hours total. While we were walking around, that’s when it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning. I cannot explain it. I can describe it, but most don’t believe it anyway. The most important day in my life -- June 21, 1997.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Chapter Two - My first Wife...
After failing to take the TASP test during the Christmas break of '90-'91 (I over slept because I drank too much the night before), I was prohibited from returning for the spring semester at UNT. So that spring, I got a couple of jobs, bought a VW Beetle, taught myself how to play guitar, and began working for a Catholic retreat for youth. Upon my return to UNT, I decided that majoring in Trombone was not my thing, so I switched to Math and physics and chemistry. During this time, I met Matt Gibbins (still one of my dearest friends to date) and we decided to start a band, 'ting' since I was picking up guitar pretty quickly. We actually didn't do too bad. We stayed together for about 5 years. I dumped my entire life into this band, and in fact, I someimtes call ting my first wife. Everything I did, I did for the band. I even justified my drug use as a means for creativity, which by the way, was gaining momentum... the use more than the creativity. I kept it as secret as possible, mind you, but this became difficult as I missed a gig a Rick's Place one time since I was in the Highland Park Jail for three days. My life was a complete mess. This gave cause for the guys in the band to question my faith. They continually kept hammering me with questions about being Catholic since they were not. This was tough. I had the band, yes, but I (for the first time in my life) felt really alone. Getting high helped with that. It kept me focused on my wife, and our first CD, which completely consumed me. Then Matt, wanting the band to change toward a Christian direction, while Dave and I did not, stated we should break up the band. This came just weeks before our CD would be complete........ I felt as if I had been shot. I had yet to experience that kind of pain... Matt killed my 1st wife... So, I moved to Dallas and true depression sank in. Completely alone... I did nothing but wait tables, drink and be stoned. alone... depressed...
Friday, June 18, 2004
Chapter One - The Fall
The fall of 1990... I was so naive. I was an idiot, a moron. A young stupid kid. I drank way too much. I know I was just a freshman, having fun, being on my own for the first time. But, I should have known there would be consequences. The worst thing I could have ever done (other than the time I became a jelly donut) was at a party on the corner of Avenue C and Oak St. In fact, this area of town is quite significant in my life... (more to come) All of my friends went... Rene Lira, Jeff Crosby, Kelly DeSarla, Kristin, Chuck, Lee, Karen, Jeff Hodges, Jonathon Fisher, Bart (and some other guy - I think it was his roommate) et. everyone else... So many people.... well, this was the first time (and I wish it was the last time) I smoked pot. I had resisted all year. I was afraid of it. But, this was the last party of the year, so I figured, why not? Dumb dumb dumb dumb.... That night, seemingly nothing happened. I didn't die... my life didn't change - at least not noticeably. I didn't realize I had opened Pandora's box... I'm glad I have written things down over the years, and have pictures, and video and audio documentation of my life. Otherwise, I wouldn't know over half of the past 17 years.
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