Chapter Four - A New beginning...

June 21, 1997... Rockfest... in a sea of 400,000 people... with so many chemicals swimming around inside me... My friend Brien and I began walking around after a little more than an hour of being there...

During this walk, Brien decided he needed to go back and sit down. I continued to walk around and I began thinking about the past few years, especially the last year or so of my band, my first love, ting. During the last year of ting, my bandmates began to talk to me about what I believed about God. I grew up in a Catholic home, going to church every Sunday. In fact, my Dad had attended seminary to become a priest. I was well schooled in Catholic doctrine. So, when we talked about God, I wasn't afraid to, because I knew I had a relationship with God and even worked with that retreat program for youth for a few years. But my friends would attack my faith. In fact, we would sit across from each other at the kitchen table, literally yelling at one another. In retrospect, I completely understand what our differences were, but at the time, I didn't understand what their problem was. We both believed in God, so why were they attacking me? The difference between them and me was the fact that they believed the bible to be literal and I did not. What I mean is that they literally believed that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and was spit out 3 days later. That the world was actually created in 7 days, not millions of year as I knew to be true. I thought they were crazy. These are just stories to tell of a deeper meaning. Folklore.

So, during this walk at Rockfest, I thought about our conversations. Then I started looking around at all the people at this concert. I began consciously looking people in the eye as they walked by for the first time in my life. I had never done that before. To truly look people in the eye. Then it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning... I was sober! My mind was clear as day! I didn't feel high, or tripping from the shrooms. I figured this was just a lull and that I'd feel better in a minute. But, this never went away. My head was completely clear for the first time in years! (Later when I speak with others about this, they tell me that I partied myself straight. That I took in so much that my body thought I was sober.) But, honestly, I had never felt this clear and clean. I felt like a new person! As I continued to walk around, looking people in the eye, my heart became so sad. I looked at these people who were drunk and high, and everyone looked so terrible. They all looked so 'lost'. I thought to myself that if they had the relationship with God that I did, they wouldn't act like they do. Then the weight came down on me. I felt a deep pressure pressing down on me. I am them... I am lost... I am for those whom my heart breaks for... I do not know God any better than they do. Look at my life to this point- What have I done with the life that God gave me? I'm depressed. I'm always high or drunk. Most of the past few years I have felt insane because of my chemical additions. I have no idea who God is. I am lost. Then the words of one of my friends came back to me. On one of the days that we sat at the kitchen table, Joe told me that I was going to hell. How offensive! How dare he judge me! He has no idea who I am or my relationship with God! When he told me that, I told him to f- off! But now, his words are ringing through my head. I am going to hell.

I knew I needed to leave. I didn't belong to this crowd of people. I went back to Brien, who was a complete wreck. He couldn't stand up. This is how I knew I was sober. Physically, I felt great. I took just as many shrooms are he did. I smoked just as much weed as he did. I drank just as much as he did. He was a mess. I was fine. Within 2 hours, I was sober! I truly believe this to be a miracle. I stated before that I cannot explain it, and when I describe it, most don’t believe me. I can't really say more that that. I know what I know. I was made clean.

So, I went back to Brien, told him we had to leave. He had no idea what was going on. We went to the car, and I drove him home. After I dropped him off in Dallas, I had to drive back to Denton. I cried the entire way home. I was broken. I was lost. I prayed the entire way home that God save me and forgive me. I got back home, to my apartment on the corner of Avenue C and Oak (directly across the street from where I first tried pot over 6 years before.) I grabbed the one bible I had from a box full of crap, and opened it. Now, I read some of the bible before, but not like I did on this day. I opened to and read the book of Hebrews from beginning to end with new eyes. I believed every word of it. I knew I could not save myself. I needed God to save me. That is was I prayed for, that God would save and forgive me. He answered...