Chapter Three - The Dark Time...

So...  depression.  This is not fun in and of itself, but when you  throw chemicals on top of that, it all gets magnified.  I honestly do  not know how to begin to talk about this chapter.  So many things I  don't remember.  I guess I'll start with what I do remember, and work  around that information.  I apologize if this becomes chaotic and  discombobulated, but such was my life at this time...

I’ll begin by expounding on an event from the last chapter which  should have changed my life.  During the ting years, I befriended a  musician from Austin, David Garza.  He had a pretty big following in  Texas, and he thought our band had something good.  He helped us out  by getting us gigs all over the state, opening for him to introduce  our music to his crowd.  One of the first times we opened for him in  Denton at Rick’s, I missed the gig.  Two nights prior I had been  arrested for failure to pay $1000 in tickets and driving an  unregistered/uninsured vehicle.  I called my Dad to come bail me out,  he said OK.  The next morning when they brought me breakfast, I asked  when my Dad was coming to get me, and was answered with, “He said to  leave you here.”  Sad when I was given my daily phone call, I  called him again, asked him why he was making me stay, he basically  said it would be for my own good.  Sadder I was arrested on a  Monday night, and was released on Friday morning.  No shower or  toothbrush for a little over 72 hours.  My friends tried to raise the  $1000 to get me out, but didn’t have the resources.  So, I missed the gig, and exposed a little of my darkness to my friends.

When the band died, part of me died.  Drugs of choice were mushrooms  and weed.  I was so depressed and so alone
 I had a girlfriend for a  brief period of time, but she eventually wanted to have sex and I  wouldn’t allow myself to do that.  I am so thankful that I never did,  because I believe that would have further fueled my depression to a  possible point of suicide.  So, I broke it off, being a complete jerk  without giving her the reasons why (partly because I didn’t know how  to verbalize them).  Back to being alone, I continued to drink, get  high, and socially withdraw. One time, my old bandmates gave me a  surprise visit (I am sure they were shocked with what they found.  I  was a wreck of a human being.  I still wrote songs and played guitar,  living in a fantasy world that one day I’d be a rock star, but I  continued to chisel my soul away


The breaking point came at a concert called Rockfest.  June 20th - 22nd, 1997.  This was a huge event at the Texas Motor Speedway.  In  case you don’t know, on the highway from Denton, TX to Ft. Worth, TX,  they build a huge Nascar speedway which holds around 100,000 people  in the stands or so (maybe more). For this concert, they opened the entire center of the track, and had this huge event.  Too many bands  to name Counting Crows, Jewel, Collective Soul my memory fades, but you get the point.  A buddy of mine, Brien, and I had free tickets.  In fact, this guy and I became really good friends in a short period of time.  I think we were both pretty lost and drugs, drinking, pool, gambling, and video games were our escape.  We had gotten free tickets to this event, so we figured we’d head out on Sat. morning, not knowing when we’d come back.  We took weed and shrooms and a cooler full of beer, some sandwiches, etc.  On the way there, traffic was unbelievable.  Dead stopped for hours (Like LA).   We continually smoked out the entire drive there, becoming increasingly paranoid with barely the ability to keep my eyes open (I  was driving mind you).  As we rounded a corner, we saw the cause of the backup.  There was a police checkpoint just 2 miles from the entrance of the raceway.  They had sniffing dogs and everything.  I panicked.  My car reeked of marijuana, and we had shrooms to be charged for felony possession. As we neared the checkpoint, we got lucky as they were preoccupied with a vehicle that they pulled over ahead of us.  We rolled past, I remember waving to the cop, and then it was smooth sailing to the raceway.  Once we parked, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, but now it was time for the shrooms... they hit me hard as we walked in, so I felt I needed to get in and sit down.

This concert was bigger than I could have imagined.  There were over  400,000 people in attendance. I remember walking in.  I remember  feeding my Tamagotchi (the little Japanese toy-remember?)  I remember having a beer.  I remember Jewel playing, although, that was really messed up. The sounds coming in my head were not right.  I remember a huge fight breaking out near us.  I remember going for a walk that’s about all I know we were only there for a couple hours total. While we were walking around, that’s when it hit me.  Like a bolt of lightning.  I cannot explain it.  I can describe it, but most  don’t believe it anyway.  The most important day in my life -- June  21, 1997.